Catastrophe
by NeSiQuis
Summary: Crack, one-shot fic.  In a training session, Zack decides to try out a new materia he found.  No pairings, just everyone's favourite First Class SOLDIERs caught up in Zack's mayhem-causing ways.


"Zack…what is that?" A faint note of suspicion rang in Genesis' voice as he spoke.

Zack grinned, setting Genesis' nerves on edge. The others in the training room were too occupied with their own exercises to notice their conversation: Angeal was trading blows with Kunsel, schooling the younger man in hand-to-hand combat. Sephiroth was warming up to spar with Genesis, and he himself had been stretching, until he noticed the glowing orange Materia in the young Second Class' hand.

"It's a materia I picked up on my latest misson." Zack replied bouncing gently on the spot, tossing the materia up in the air and catching it again with one hand.

"I can see that," Genesis said in a deceptively calm voice. "Why do you have it in here?"

Zack grinned again, wider. The hairs on the back of Genesis' neck pricked up.

"I want to try it out."

"… In a sparring match?"

"Nope. Just want to try it out." The materia continued being tossed up and down in Zack's hand. Genesis' gaze had now zeroed in on it and he watched it warily, attempting to keep his voice as calm as possible.

"Really, is that wise? Company policy states that new materia should only be tested in open areas-". Genesis was cut off abruptly as Zack butted in happily, "Oh, I got clearance. It's been through testing. They think it's just a small summon or something."

"They _think_? Or _something_?"

Sephiroth, further away in the room, picked up on the panicked note in Genesis voice and paused in his training.

"Is there a problem?" Before Genesis could say anything, Zack piped up in a bright voice, "Not at all! I'm just about to try out a new materia-"

"-Which the science department are none to sure as to its safety." Genesis butted in in turn.

Zack turned to scowl at the older man. "Genesis, chill. Would they have released it to me if they were worried about its safety?"

"We have only your word that it was actually _released_ to you. For all we know, you snuck it out of there while they were looking the other way…"

Zack protested loudly at this, and the two SOLDIERs began arguing. Angeal halted his spar with Kunsel, frowning at the antics of his best friend and protégé.

"What's going on?" Angeal's voice cut through the bickering and both fell silent briefly.

"I'm just trying out a new materia! It's safe, I promise!" Zack appealed to his mentor, puppy-eyes at maximum strength.

"So _you_ say." Genesis muttered, at a volume loud enough for all the enhanced SOLDIERs in the room to hear.

Angeal rubbed his temples with one hand, head already beginning to ache. "Alright. Gen, Zack is unlikely to have run off with an unapproved materia."

Zack beamed in victory.

"He's not _that_ foolish, despite appearances."

Zack's face fell. "Angeeeeaaaal…."

Angeal ignored his mentee's whine and continued. "Besides, with three Firsts in the room, I'm sure we can contain anything…unfortunate that could potentially appear. Agreed?"

Genesis griped but reluctantly acquiesced. Sephiroth gave a quick nod, as a small, amused smile lurked around the corners of his mouth.

"Wooo! So I can try it now?" Zack was jubilant.

Angeal sighed. "Yes, Pup. Go ahead. Just…point it away from the group, ok?"

But Zack had stopped listening. He concentrated on summoning from the materia, focusing on its power and bringing it out of the glowing globe in the centre of his palm.

Kunsel watched in astonishment as the glow expanded to surround the three Firsts and Zack, hiding them from view in the bright orange light. As the glow faded, Kunsel blinked the afterimage out of his eyes, straining to see what had been summoned. Instead the four men had disappeared.

On the floor, struggling out of the piles of clothing left behind, were four cats.

Kunsel's eyes widened in shock, and he pushed up his helmet (a rare occurrence) to get a better look – and check that his eyes weren't playing tricks on him.

There was a chorus of meowing as the SOLDIER cats continued to wriggle out of their former clothing.

"Uh oh."

Kunsel locked the doors to the training room to prevent the cats escaping and pulled out his PHS, dialling the number for Director Lazard's office.

"Director Lazard here. Who is this?"

"SOLDIER Second Class Kunsel, sir. I'm afraid there's been an accident in the training room."

Lazard frowned. "SOLDIER policy is that either the General or Commanders should be informed if there is an accident in the training rooms, SOLDIER. As a Second Class, you should be well aware of this."

"Yes sir, I am aware, but this accident involves both the General and the Commanders themselves."

Lazard sat up straight, mildly panicked. "Have they been duelling again? Is it a serious incident? Surely you should have informed the medics first."

"Not duelling, sir. And it's not exactly serious in the way you might think." Kunsel took a moment to try to gather his thoughts and explain adequately. "Zack Fair was trying out a new materia in the room-"

"That is prohibited by company policy. Why did the Firsts not stop him?"

"Actually sir, the materia had been through testing. The Science department had given it the all clear. It was thought to be some sort of small summon."

Lazard relaxed slightly. "And it turned out to be some sort of spell or something unexpected instead? Alright, what's happened to the SOLDIERs?"

"They're all cats sir."

"…Cats?"

"Yes sir."

"…I'll be right there."

Kunsel closed his PHS after the Director hung up and sighed. He hunkered down for a closer look at the former SOLDIERs-turned-cats, trying to identify them. The grey one with green eyes, sitting calmly and observing the room was undoubtedly General Sephiroth. The big black tom purring loudly and pinning a smaller cat down was certainly Commander Hewley. The cat being pinned down had reddish-brown fluffy fur with turquoise eyes and was hissing viciously at another, smaller black cat, trying to hide behind the General. That would be Commander Rhapsodos and Zack, then.

A small laugh began in the back of Kunsel's throat. He tried coughing to get rid of it, but the sight of the most dangerous men in Shinra's military transformed into cats proved too amusing a sight.

Chuckling at this unexpected event, he sat down next to them and waited for Director Lazard.

Some time later, the Director had still not appeared and Kunsel, having tentatively attempted to change the SOLDIERs back without the slightest success, was now playing with the little animals. Genesis had stopped trying to fight with Zack and seemed to be contenting himself with baiting Sephiroth instead, whose small face bore a very catlike, and Sephiroth-like, expression of disdain. Zack, as soon as the threat from Genesis was over, had taken to bounding hyperactively around the room, exploring everything. Kunsel kept an eye on him, knowing his friend well, and expecting to have to rescue him from some place he would inevitably manage to get stuck in. Angeal, on the other hand, was purring loudly while curled up in Kunsel's lap, happy to be stroked. _As good-natured as ever_, Kunsel thought.

Suddenly there was a loud yowling as Sephiroth finally took the bait and pounced on Genesis, pinning him down and scratching at him. Both cats struggled and fought, claws out and snarling at each other. Kunsel stood up hurriedly, putting Angeal to one side and clapping his hands loudly right beside the squabbling felines. Shocked, they jumped apart from each other long enough for Kunsel to grab both and keep them apart.

"Enough! No more fighting. Claws away. "He addressed them sternly, hoping they retained enough of themselves to understand what he was saying. Genesis hissed at him, and Sephiroth wriggled out of his grasp, stalking away. Kunsel released Genesis too, and the cat immediately sprang after the General, only to be stopped by Angeal pouncing on and pinning him down. Genesis meowed loudly in complaint.

A thought occurred to Kunsel. While the cat was being held in place, meowing incessantly, he strode over to Genesis' red coat and took his copy of Loveless out of the pocket. Moving back over to the cats, he waved it in Genesis' eyeline. Genesis stopped meowing straight away and began purring. Angeal let him go and the cat sat up, eyes gleaming as he looked at the book. Kunsel moved away, leading the cat with the book and propped it up against Genesis' coat. Genesis himself sat in front of it and pawed at the cover, meowing and looking at Kunsel.

"You want it open? Okay." Kunsel opened the book to its marked page, hoping it would keep the cat happy and from fighting. Genesis lay down in front of it as though he was reading.

Amused, Kunsel turned away to see Angeal and Zack play-fighting, the younger cat having little success against Angeal's bulk. There was lots of plaintive meowing but no scratching, so Kunsel left them to it.

Suddenly concerned, he looked around the room for the General, who seemed to have disappeared. Then a curious-sounding meow came from somewhere above him, and he looked up to see Sephiroth on top of come stacked containers. They were in the corner of the room and it was very dark, so all Kunsel could see of him were his green eyes glowing in the darkness. He walked over and addressed the cat.

"Are you sure that's such a good idea? You won't have much room if you suddenly turn back." The cat seemed to consider his words. Then he leapt from the containers, onto Kunsel's head and then onto the floor.

"Woah! Okay then, go right ahead and use me as a landing place, why don't you?" Sephiroth turned back at the sound of his voice with what Kunsel could only describe as an amused look on the cat's face, and stalked off into the darkness of the training room's other corner.

There was a loud, demanding meow from the other side of the room. Kunsel walked over to where Genesis was sitting, pawing at the book again.

"What's wrong?" Kunsel knelt down beside the cat and was treated to a disdainful look. Genesis pawed again at the book, seemingly trying to turn the page.

"You're reading it? Wow, a reading cat. Who'd have thought?" He turned the page for the little creature, who settled back down and began to groom himself while reading the book, purring loudly in contentment.

Kunsel took a step back and reviewed the scene. General Sephiroth was stalking around the room, hunting goddess-knew-what, Commander Hewley was still play-fighting with Zack, who was bounding around in circles around the bigger cat, looking for an opening in his defences. He pounced just as he was behind Angeal, and quick as a flash, the older cat cuffed him away. Zack resumed bounding around him. And Commander Rhapsodos was reading Loveless. In cat form.

Kunsel wished he had a camera.

A little later the door to the training room beeped. Kunsel got up from his seat at the side of the room and opened the doors. Director Lazard stood outside with a pretty but worried-looking young woman from the Science Department standing next to him.

"Sorry for the hold-up, SOLDIER. I thought it might be prudent to bring an expert with me."

"Of course, sir. I did try to reversal the materia's effect myself earlier, but as you can see…" Kunsel gestured at the cats hopelessly.

The Director and the woman walked into the room, and Kunsel locked the door once more behind them.

The women goggled at the sight before them. "Is that cat reading a book?"

"Yes ma'am. That's Commander Rhapsodos. The two black cats playing are Commander Hewley and Second Class Zack Fair. The grey cat stalking around in the shadows is General Sephiroth."

Lazard sighed. "This is Dr. Tira Linman, Shinra's materia expert."

"Pleased to meet you, Dr Linman." Kunsel smiled at the woman, trying to set her at ease.

"Th-thank you." She was very young for a doctor, and clearly nervous. Kunsel supposed it must have been her who had released the materia to Zack. Angeal and Zack stopped play-fighting and came trotting over to the three humans, Zack winding around the doctor's legs, purring, and Angeal sitting in front of Lazard, as though reporting to him. Dr Linman smiled at the black cat gambolling around her, and then laughed as the bigger cat cuffed him into behaving.

"So where do we start?" Lazard prompted the doctor gently.

She considered the cats for a moment and then addressed Kunsel.

"How long have they been in this state?" Kunsel checked the time on his PHS before replying.

"About an hour now, I think."

"An hour? That's far longer than most materia spells are meant to last." The doctor frowned. "May I see the materia in question?"

"Uh, yeah. I'll just go find it. Zack was batting it around earlier." Kunsel located the glowing orange materia in a corner and brought it to the doctor. Taking it from him she examined it carefully, knocking on the casing lightly with a fingernail and looking closely at it.

"Has the material changed at all since it was activated?" She asked Kunsel. He considered the materia in her hand and nodded.

"Actually, yes it has. It's less bright than before."

"Ah!" The doctor looked pleased. "Then that would suggest that it's a self-sustaining spell. When the glow runs out, the spell will stop. The SOLDIERs should turn back with no ill effect." She smiled in relief and turned to Lazard, who sighed.

"Very well. Will you stay until they've turned back, Dr Linman? Just in case."

"O-of course, Director."

Kunsel took back the materia and looked at it. "I think the glow is decreasing pretty quickly now."

Lazard nodded. "Good."

Genesis, having ignored this whole exchange, meowed again and Kunsel moved over to turn another page for him. Sephiroth came out of the shadows and sat in front of the Director, gazing at him calmly with his glowing green eyes. Zack was now winding around the Director's legs, as Angeal rubbed up against the doctor's, his deep purr loud.

Dr Linman smiled and picked the cat up, scratching him under the chin, causing him to purr even more. "They make cute cats," she remarked to the two men.

"I wish I had a camera," Kunsel replied with amusement.

The Director chuckled. "It certainly must be an interesting experience for them."

Suddenly the materia in Kunsel's hand stopped glowing and a light filled the room, as it had before. It faded and in place of the cats were the men, restored to their normal states once more.

Dr Linman made a slight squeaking noise, looking up in shock. Instead of holding a black cat, she now had her arms around Commander Hewley. A completely naked Commander Hewley. Whose arms were in turn around her.

"Excuse me, ma'am." Angeal smiled disarmingly at the woman, who turned pink and let go abruptly, whipping around so her back was to the naked men. Genesis chuckled from his place on the floor, seated in front of Loveless. Sephiroth stood near the Director, examining himself for any sign of fur or claws. Zack bounced up and down on his heels. "That was awesome! Can we try that again sometime?"

There was a chorus of 'No' from around the room and Zack stopped bouncing sadly. The SOLDIERs began to dress themselves and Kunsel went over to the doctor, who was shuffling embarrassedly from foot to foot, her back still to the men.

"Here." She jumped a little at his voice and looked down at the restored materia he was proffering to her.

"Oh! Thank you. I'll put this somewhere safe and mark it clearly. At least we know for definite what it does now though."

"But perhaps it would have been better not to have it tested on my top SOLDIERs," Lazard interjected into the conversation.

"Y-yes sir, I'm so sorry once again-" Lazard waved away the woman's apologies with an amused smile.

"There was no harm done-"

Before he could finish, there came a hacking and coughing noise from the other side of the room. They turned to see the SOLDIERs, mostly dressed now, standing around Genesis worriedly as he leaned on the wall coughing and almost unable to breathe.

"What happened?" Lazard started concernedly towards them.

Then Genesis doubled over, his coughs worsening and beginning to choke. Suddenly, he brought something up, which landed on the floor which a soft plopping noise.

The room went silent. Genesis stared in horror at the thing on the floor. "What the HELL was that?" He shouted. Angeal hunkered down to look at it more closely then glanced up at Genesis with a grin on his face.

"You coughed up a hairball."

"A WHAT? Goddess, that's disgusting! Ugh, I have cat hair in my mouth… Damn it, Zack!"

The First Class glared at the younger SOLDIER who was doubled over laughing, and made a grab for him.

"Woah!" Zack ducked and ran out of the room, unlocking it quickly as he went.

"GET BACK HERE!" Genesis screamed, picking up his sword and chasing after him.

Angeal heaved a long-suffering sigh and followed them, nodding to the Director and winking at Dr Linman on his way out, who coloured as before.

The General, the Director, Kunsel and the doctor were left in the now-quiet room together. There was a brief pause, then the doctor hesitantly inquired of Sephiroth, "Excuse me, General, I was wondering what your experience of being a cat was like?"

The silver-haired man considered for a moment before replying.

"Not all that different to my usual experiences, if truth be told, doctor. If you'll excuse me."

_SOLDIER Director Lazard Deusericus, official report on the Materia incident:_

_Conclusion: No permanent effects or harm done. However, for a few days after, all four SOLDIERs reported experiencing strange cravings for fish and milk, and most exhibited some odd behaviour. Zack Fair was seen playing with a piece of string whilst lying on the ground in the SOLDIER lounge. Commander Hewley is said to have inadvertently purred while passing the Materia scientist Dr Linman in a corridor. General Sephiroth spent a great deal of time lurking in shadows and in high places – one of the Thirds spotted him on the roof of the Shinra building – but Commander Rhapsodos seemed to exhibit no cat-like behaviour._

_Except for coughing up the odd hairball._


End file.
